The pay-per-view that started it all. The grandest stage of them all was broadcast live to millions of viewers for the very first time on the last day of March, March 31st, in the year 1985. Back to the Future was due out that summer. The original Star Wars trilogy had ended just two years prior. In terms of the timeline of professional wrestling, we were eleven years from the birth of "Austin 3:16", twelve years from D-X and the Montreal Screwjob, and sixteen years from WrestleMania X-Seven, the greatest pro-wrestling PPV in the history of ever.
I just want to go through the event and give my usual two-sense on it. I just want to go match-by-match and give it a review. I won't necessarily "Dave Meltzer" this shit, but I will give it an honest look-over. I mean hell, I'm watching it right now.
Match #1: Tito Santana vs The Executioner
The night opened with Tito Santana wrestling the "Masked" Executioner, who looked an awful like like Buddy Rose, wacka-wacka. Tito, Mr. "Ariba!" himself, definitely was in the prime of his career when he took to this match. The Executioner gave a fumbling promo backstage, stumbling over his words. Tito came out on top, forcing the Executioner to tap to a figure-4 leglock. Tito stood in front of the Madison Square Garden crowd and shouted "Ariba!" as he went backstage. Decent match. Hard to believe this was the first match in WrestleMania history. Rating: 3 out of 5
Match #2: "King Kong Bundy" (w/ Jimmy Hart) vs. Special-Delivery Jones
Following next was a young and very bald King Kong Bundy as he took on "Special Delivery" Jones. Sure enough, "Mean" Gene Okerlund gave the in-between match interviews where King Kong Bundy gave quite a strong promo, though S.D. Jones wouldn't be denied. He gave one that was just as energetic, and you thought this was going to be an even affair straight down to the wire. Not so. Bundy gets the pinfall win in just nine goddamn seconds. There was a body-slam into the turnbuckle and then a body splash by the four-hundred-plus pound Bundy, who squished S.D. Jones like a jello-mold. Funny story: S.D. Jones was booked to lose in four seconds, but intentionally didn't do the drop in the turnbuckle, as he hated losing to Bundy in such a short amount of time. Bundy held heat for Jones in the years since. The match? Nothing special, just a squash match. Rating: 0.8 out of 5
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| Gorilla Monsoon & Jesse "The Body" Ventura on commentary |
Match #3: Ricky Steamboat vs. Matt Borne
Coming up next on the WrestleMania card, is wrestling legend Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat taking on Matt Borne. Borne would be more famous in the future WWE of the 90's for being Doink the fucking Clown. The match was pretty solid, Steamboat definitely was booked to win because his in-ring manuevering is outmatched, even by many people today. Ricky was one to improv a lot of the moves in the ring, and regardless of Borne's future as a damn clown, he gave a good match with Steamboat. It was that slow, 80's style of wrestling, but Steamboat scored the pinfall victory with ease by flying across the ring. Rating: 3.2 out of 5
Match #4: Brutus Beefcake (w/ Johnny Valiant) vs. David Sammartino (w/ Bruno Sammartino)
This was the first really energetic match of the night. David Sammartino, the son of the longest-reigning WWF champion of all time and wrestling legend Bruno Sammartino (who also happened to be in David's corner this night) wrestled against the future maniacal barber himself, Brutus Beefcake. Brutus and David showcased several wrestling manuevers that were less on power and moreso on speed and finesse. A ton of energetic wrestling flips and suplexes that the likes of Shawn Michaels and Bret Hart would make popular again years later. There's even parts where David turns into a brawler and boxes a weary Beefcake. The two men fought so well, and yet the match ended in a double-DQ when both men's managers got involved. Valiant scoop-slams David Sammartino, and his father Bruno loses it and dives into the ring to beat up Valiant, forcing the ref to call for the bell and DQ both men. Crazy bout and it serves as a wake-up match for the crowd. Rating: 3.6 out of 5
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| Cyndi Lauper talking trash in front of Wendi Richter |
Junkyard Dog's promo sounded like James Avery and looked like someone who wanted to win the title but didn't really know how. He was the first one of the night to enter with entrance music, though, something that became a staple for literally every other WWF/E performer in subsequent years. Valentine had a very "Ric Flair" persona about him, coming out in the sequined bathrobe and being accompanied by "The Mouth of the South" Jimmy Hart. Junkyard Dog's also said "Thump" for a mysterious reason that escapes me. Junkyard Dog carried himself in the match with soul and finesse, except the part with the headbutts looked a little weak to me. Valentine didn't even look like he knew where he was until a minute-or-so in. This match was more like a brawl than a wrestling match, but still had some trademark wrestling moves. In the end, Valentine ended up winning the short championship brawl and retaining his WWF Intercontinental Heavyweight Championship by putting his feet on the ropes and cheating to secure the pinfall, thus the ref rendered his pinfall mute and counted him out. Junkyard Dog gets the win, but since it was a count-out, the title does not change hands. Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Match #6: Nikolai Volkoff & The Iron Sheik (w/ Freddie Blassie) vs. The U.S. Express (Mike Rotundo and Barry Windham) (w/ Lou Albano) for the WWF Tag Team Championship
This match started off all over the place. Volkoff and Sheik came out, hailing from the Soviet Union and Iran, respectively, and igniting the crowd into a sea of chants and boos. Volkoff then gets on the mic and sings the fucking Soviet Union national anthem. Then, the two most anti-American guys on the WWF roster at the time wrestles a team literally called "The U.S. Express", who come out a standing ovation and the second entrance music we've heard tonight. Sheik started off the match showing why, despite his Iranian gimmick, was one of the best in-ring workers in history. Windham moves and let's Sheik dropkick Volkoff in the face, hinting at a double-cross ending. Sheik throws Rotundo over ten feet into the air in one of the most beautiful body flips I've seen. It becomes apparent as the match goes on that Sheik is the better wrestler of him and Volkoff, and carries the most star power in the ring. As Volkoff beats up on Mike Rotundo, the crowd starts chanting "USA! USA!" since WrestleMania takes place right near the end of the Cold War. There's a couple of times the dropkicks from Mike Rotundo don't connect and Sheik air-fakes the hits. The match ends when Sheik steals a cane from Freddie Blassie and whacks Windham over the noggin, allowing Volkoff to secure the pin and score the win and the championship for the anti-American duo. Quick match, very energetic, if not a little sloppy. Rating: 3.7 out of 5
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| Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat vs. Matt Borne |
Match #7: Andre the Giant vs. "Big" John Studd (w/ Bobby "The Brain" Heenan) in a $15,000 BodySlam Challenge
A goofy promo kickstarts this gem. Legendary WWF manager Bobby "The Brain" Heenan holds up a WWF dufflebag stuffed with $15,000 cash, which the winner of the BodySlam challenge will win if one of the giants can body slam the other."Mean" Gene Okerlund keeps trying to reach into the bag like a child reaching for a cookie to comedic effect. When Andre the Giant hit the ring for his first WrestleMania appearance, it was super surreal to me. I love watching Andre tower over other people, and watching him stand toe-to-toe with "Big" John Studd was a spectacle. Per the prematch stipulation, if Andre can slam Studd he wins the $15,000 but if Andre fails to slam him, Andre would retire from professional wrestling. Being a match of two giants, the wrestling was sluggish and knowing what Andre's gigantism was putting him through around this time is also gut-wrenching. Every move required painful effort. The crowd comes alive whenever one giant tries to slam the other, but quickly dies down when they resume trading submission holds. Being big guys, even irish whips felt sluggish and in slow-motion. Once Andre actually slams Studd, the entire MSG erupts into a ruckus cheer. Andre retains his professional career, but Bobby Heenan runs into the ring and steals the money-bag and escapes with Studd. Rating: 2.7 out of 5
Match #8: Wendi Richter (w/ Cyndi Lauper) vs. Leilani Kai (w/ The Fabulous Moolah) for the WWF Women's Championship
Fucking Cyndi Lauper is the manager of this bout here, she follows Wendi Richter out to the ring as Wendi is serenaded with a Cyndi Lauper hit, the third dose of entrance music heard tonight.The funny thing is that the Fabulous Moolah, who accompanied WWF Women's Champion Leilani Kai to the ring, looks as old then as she did in the late-90's during the Attitude Era. Cyndi Lauper, surprisingly, gave a super-great promo that any professional wrestler could give, intense and commanding. This women's match felt reminiscent of the GLOW (Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling) TV series, though with better choreography and skill and less buffoonery. These two girls showed intense skill and earned the spot of the pre-main event. They moved around on the ring mat better than half the guys on the show that night. The only hiccup is the over-reliance on extended submission holds, but they would ten roll out of it and brawl for a bit here and there. Some of these submission holds didn't even look like they were doing anything, like Wendi's leg-scissor submission hold. One of the biggest "wtf" moments is when Lauper actually gets involved in an outside-brawl. She got really involved in this event. The topsy-turvy ending sees Leilani do a great crossbody off the top rope, but Wendi rolls her over afterwards like it was nothing, pinning her and regaining the WWF Women's Championship from her. Even after the pinfall, Cyndi couldn't resist going after Moolah for good measure. Rating: 2.5 out of 5
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| "Rowdy" Roddy Piper makes his way to the ring |
MAIN EVENT: Hulk Hogan & Mr. T vs. "Rowdy" Roddy Piper & Paul Orndoff (w/ "Cowboy" Bob Orton)
In one of the weirdest real-life celebrity plugs, former New York Yankees owner Billy Martin comes out to be the special guest ring announcer for the main event. The main even also gets its own "officials" introductions. Oh, then Liberace decides to come out with a kick-line and do their dance-kicks in the middle of the ring, further delaying the main event. Then, just when you thought you'd had enough, Muhammad Ali is named the special referee for the main event and he enters the ring. After that a conga-line of bagpipe players preced "Rowdy" Roddy Piper and Paul Orndoff as they enter the arena to take part in the main event. As the arena quiets in anticipation, it happens. As its done for the past thirty years, "Real American" blasts in the arena and ignites the crowd. Soon, Hulk Hogan follows Mr. T out of the locker room into the ring, three years after the two of them were in Rocky III. Future McMahon stooge Pat Patterson would be the refereee of the match, interestingly enough. The bell rings, and both teams immediately tag so the Scottish shoot machine, Piper can come face-to-face with Mr. T, whom he had real-life beef with for entering the ring as a non-wrestler. A few minutes later and shit just hits the fan. Tags are thrown out the window and everybody storms the rind and starts brawling. After the brawl, Piper and Orndoff duck out of the ring and head for the locker room. Patterson starts counting, but Hogan pushes him off and beckons them to come back, which they do. They get into the ring and all four start brawling once again. Each and every move Hogan does receives a vicious pop from the crowd, no wonder he was the John Cena of the 80's. Mr. T's wrestling ability very much surprised me. He was able to arm drag Orndoff and convincingly clothesline Roddy Piper. He could even floor-wrestle Orndoff and slither out of his grasp. Just when Orton thought he could sneak in and attack Hogan, "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka gets in the ring and headbutts him, sending him flying. With the pandemonium, Hogan sneaks a pin on Orndoff and secures the victory for him and Mr. T. Thus ends the first of at least thirty-four WrestleMania events...Rating: 4 out of 5
